After his EP rider, the CW reload fails without Chuck Norris getting back in the saddle.

What a stupid show. I’m not going to call Walker bad again, because I’m not sure what he’s really trying to accomplish. I also don’t know if it gets good ratings or if it’s well-received by critics – but nothing about this show seems to appeal to fans of classic Chuck Norris and Walker, the Texas Rangers – and it’s all so… silly.

For those who have dared to see it, or for the many others who probably don’t (or shouldn’t). Here’s everything that’s wrong with episode 2 Back in the Saddle.

CMAU Ratings: The first episode of the Walker reboot (without Chuck Norris).

No Chuck Norris again.

I won’t let him die! I don’t understand why this show is even called Walker and not ….. Texas Detective, Drunk Father, or Supernatural Cowboy. As for the narrative similarities between this reboot and the original source material, the only similarity is that there is a main character named Walker and he is a Texas Ranger.

Which, again, is good. I’ve never watched Supernatural or any other show on CW, but I’m sure all the shows are good and have great audiences, and that’s fine. So why a reboot/spinoff? The two episodes so far are clearly not for those who have already seen a Chuck Norris movie or an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.

It’s also clear that Chuck Norris won’t be a standout anytime soon. It’s also very doubtful that any agent, character or plot point from the original will appear on screen. Instead, we have Jared Padalecki, his father Bonham, and a whole new family of characters, different and much younger, who could easily have been in the remake of Seventh Heaven, for all I know.

WARNING: Rare footage of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Jared Padalecki is an asshole.

From the second episode, I think Walker is working very hard on the story of redemption for our young (not related to his namesake) Cordell Walker. I hope so, because this guy sucks. As suggested in the first episode, the second episode concluded that Walker should be absolutely enthralled in every scene. Who apparently is not only cool, but also gets along really well with all the other characters in the series, including his family and fellow police officers.

But even setting aside the more criminal implications, they probably make a big leap from the sad drunken walker to the triumphant hero. Anyway, the plot is currently unfolding in a very interesting way, including Walker missing his daughter’s soccer game to go to the bar, and the revelation that Walker’s brother is gay – only to have Walker immediately try to fight with him in the next scene.

This is certainly a far cry from the noble heights of Chuck Norris’ representation. And honestly, I don’t think Chuck could have played a drunken father even if he had wanted to – he was just an action star. I still don’t know what Padalecki is, other than a big guy who draws faces well (there are a lot of close-ups in this series).

Walker’s Story, Conan’s leverage for the Texas Rangers…

The worst action I have ever seen.

Which brings us to the bigger question: why doesn’t the show look good? This action is somehow terrible and insignificant at the same time. Unlike the pilot, which generously included two action scenes, the second episode only has one – and as far as I was concerned, I couldn’t figure out what was happening or why.

In the short time between being a bad parent and crying over initiation gifts, Walker rarely does the work of a Ranger. In this case, the rancher (I think?) burned down a neighbor’s ranch to steal a horse. But instead of stealing the horse, he accidentally lets it loose in downtown Austin, where NO ONE seems to care, and Walker has to get it out of the parking tunnel in a wagon.

Then suddenly Walker’s group of rangers chases an angry rancher fleeing to the airstrip, where Walker (maybe two or three shots), gets on his horse, jumps into the movie car and beats the guy up. no explosions, just one shot, and absolutely no ammo! Anyway, the scene is a real mess, and I wish they wouldn’t even try next time – just ask the character to explain what happened in the next scene and save everyone the embarrassment.

We’ll see if the third episode does better, but I think we’ll spend a lot more time with the drunk Walker ruining his family even more by acting like an idiot. Then we can have another fight without enthusiasm – IF WE ARE SAFE!

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